a story by Richard Thomson
[+] Inbox: (3)
Hello, Oliver! We are in order emailing to inform of you in being selected for one cash prizes!! Click on below here the link and you to claim the $$$!! Before —
Mark as spam? [>]
re: server position
Dear Mr. Monroe,
It was lovely meeting you today. I am sorry to inform you that, though your qualifications are impressive, we have chosen a candidate that we believe to be better suited to the rigors of Grillet’s —
[+] re: server position
Thank you very much for your consideration. I appreciate your time and
I hope you will consider me in the future if a
Please keep my resume on file in case there is an
Save to drafts? [>]
re: the prodigal
Olive Oil, this is your sister, but you must know that, because you know enough to ignore my texts and the Beyonce GIFs contained therein. Did you try the chicken recipe? Don’t feel bad if you burned the glaze. I did the first time too (just kidding—I’m a prodigy).
I know that I may, in my righteous and lawyerly fury, have told you to get a life, but I would like to move for that to be stricken from the record. Last night, I ordered enough Chinese for two, and the fortune that should have been yours said, “Ignore previous cookie,” which you should take to mean that the time has come for you to un-get that life and stop hating me and find your way over to my apartment sometime. If you don’t, you’ll never know if I’m missing you, and I’ve been doing my best to keep you in suspense. (Also, how are you doing on rent? I’m flush with corporate cash and newly loan-less and happy to help.)
Love, Isla [X]
[+] New chat from Liz! [>]
Liz: what’s up?
Liz: uh oh
Me: no no false alarm
Liz: stay strong
Liz: but why the ugh?
Me: just got a very formal boot from that restaurant I applied to
Me: *to which I applied?
Liz: the pub on Pine?
[+] New message from Greg!
Greg: You there?
Me: yeah, I guess I must be insufficiently bearded
Liz: didn’t you literally just have the interview?
Me: this morning
Liz: sorry dude 🙁
Liz: I’ve never actually been inside—what’s it like?
Me: everything is sticky, and the manager talks like two clicks too loud
Liz: whatever it’s their loss
Me: any updates on the matt situation?
Liz: idk he’s fine
Liz: more importantly, there’s a new resident at the hospital I’ve kinda got my eye on
Me: just one? o_O
Liz: yeah he ain’t ready for both yet lolol
Liz: idk if he’s into it though
Me: what’s the vibe?
Liz: just like, chatty
Me: are his nudes tasteful?
Liz: lolol I haven’t gotten any pics yet…but he’s pretty fit
Me: strike while the iron is hot
[+] New message from Greg!
Greg: Helloooo I know you’re online because Gmail
Greg: Please don’t ghost me again
Liz: strike while the iron is paying for dinner
Me: did he?
Liz: we went for ramen in Old City yesterday
Me: does matt know?
Liz: no, but we never had the exclusive convo so…
Me: you’re the worst
Me: I wish I had that problem
Jobs: Any // Entry-level
Where: Philadelphia, PA [>]
Pizza Delivery Driver @ Pied Beauty
CALLING ALL WAX SPECIALISTS (Bikini, Brazilian, French, etc.)
Brand Ambassador // La Med Boutique \\ 1,000+ Instagram followers required!
Me: has it ever occurred to u that I might be the worst person ever
Liz: often lol
Liz: but could you be more specific?
Me: just feel like such a waist
Me: waste* UGH
Me: apologies in advance for sucking up all the oxygen with my self-pity
Me: it’s one of THOSE days, if you couldn’t already tell
Liz: dude please
Liz: I had a woman in the ICU who farted herself to death yesterday
Liz: we’re doing just find
Me: yeah, but u can say that cuz u do nurse shit i.e. help people
Liz: do I though?
Me: remember your audience, elizabeth
Me: you’re talking to a glorified book pimp
[+] Inbox: (1) New mail from Alumni Board!
re: It’s Never Too Soon!
The Board of the Alumni Scholarship Fund would like to extend its invitation to you, as a graduate of the Class of 2012 and beneficiary of the fund, to join our giving program. Think of the good that could be done if each of you were to commit to an annual pledge of only —
Me: wait, roll that back
Me: I definitely didn’t process that on the first read haha
Me: how did she die?
Liz: oh poor gurl had this crazy abdominal distension
[+] SEARCH: distension
distend (verb): to enlarge from internal pressure
Middle English, from Latin distendere: dis- (apart, away) + tendere (to stretch) [X]
Liz: it turned out that the gas was the only thing keeping her heart rate up
Liz: so when we got her to release, she arrested, and that was it 🙁
Me: well now I feel like a dick for laughing, so thanks for that
Liz: anytime lol
Liz: though idk why you would…that’s the way I want to go
Me: sorry for being MIA lately
Greg: And nothing, you?
Greg: Wanna come over later?
Me: idk I shouldn’t
Me: I have some shit to do
Greg: Just checking
Me: I want to
Me: you’re welcome to bang out this cover letter for me
Greg: No, they’re the worsttt
Greg: Pick a cute font
Greg: Wingdings is always a safe bet
Me: are you on your phone?
Greg: Yeah, I’m on the blue line
Greg: How’d you know?
Me: automatic capitalization
Greg: No shift at Fishtown today?
Me: no, I had some other stuff going on
Liz: you still there?
[+] WHAT’S NEW
Seven Sloths That Just Can’t With You Right Now
First-Degree Murder Charge for Face-Eating Florida Teen
TRENDING NOW: Father Sings “Blackbird” to His Dying Infant Son [>]
— COMMENTS —
eliampt: Wow. Beautiful 🙁
jeanannet: is it possible for me to cry myself to death? send help
mimzo10: why is his voice fine I don’t think youd sing that good with your kid dying like that in your arms
jeanannet: he’s probably a musician, asshole, and that’s why he sounds good
tomalez: it’s a prop, sheeple…WAKE UP
eliampt: tomalez, are you serious?? look at the baby’s chest it’s def breathing
pr76178: hey clickk HERE to see how i make 60K working from HOME!!!
mimzo10: sucks for the rest of us who cant do that ifwhen our kids die
eliampt: STOP RUINING THIS PLEASE PLEASE ReALLY just let it be
tomalez: speaking words of wisdom (sorry not sorry) [X]
Me: sorry got distracted
Liz: how about you? any new boyz?
Me: pas de boyz
Liz: just Greg?
Me: no comment
Liz: please tell me you aren’t talking to him
Me: no no no
Liz: good cuz fuck that asshole
Liz: figuratively speaking
Liz: slash are you looking?
Me: casually doing the online thing
Me: though the pickings they are a’slimming
[+] TOP MATCHES:
Summary: Born and bread in the DC suburbs, moved here for school and decided to stay.
About me: if you’re all about that sass, hit me up
Interests: gaga, katy perry, james taylor, Beethoven, food (thai, but also anything)
Looking for: new friends, casual sex [>]
Summary: At this point in my life, I am only looking for something serious. Not really into the scene, clubs, etc., but I haven’t had good luckw ith this yet either. Most people on this site seem pretty judgey and dont respond, so I want you to be the first to message me first. Trust me, just do it. I won’t bite…hard. JK!!! [X]
Liz: why do u say that?
Me: idk theyre literally all just vain
Me: i feel like im in the meat department
Me: rows and rows of differently cut abs
Me: or like a photoshopped close-up of some dude’s pointy jaw
Me: and then the ones who arent that way are just like not my type
[+] New message from Greg!
Greg: Good luck with your thing
Greg: Hit me up if you change your mind
Me: will do
Liz: hahahah thats bleak
Liz: but maybe cut them some slack?
Liz: it’s hard…you know that
Me: not for u apparently
Liz: also, did you ever get a chance to talk to panera dude?
Me: oh yeah
Me: I forgot to tell u about that [>]
Summary: hi my name is scott. I’m non-verbal autistic and communicate by writing/ typing. I’m not the kind of person you can have a “normal” conversation with, but I’m very loving and love to cook.
Interests: Food. I can make pasta, pizza, and stir-fry, and for dessert I do chocolate pudding or ice cream sundaes (yum). Boys.
Typical Friday night: hanging with my mama, old movies and laundry [X]
Me: he asked if he could sit with me yesterday
Me: his name’s paul
Liz: pic. now.
Me: dont have one
Liz: you had one job. ONE JOB.
Me: haha idk his last name!
Me: didn’t give him my number
Me: couldn’t tell if it was just casual or whatever
Liz: you’re officially the worst
[+] New mail from Christina Xie! [>]
re: psych survey
Sorry to bother you with something so random, but it’d be a huge help if some of you could fill out this survey for me. The questions are weird (it’s for this psych lab I’m doing research for) so don’t judge. It’s short, I promise! I’ll bring brownies to work tomorrow to sweeten the deal 🙂
re: psych survey
Will do, Christina! But I would like to formally request that you put M&M’s in them (nom nom).
re: psych survey
Haha I second Pat’s request! Also, can anyone cover my 10-6 tomorrow?
re: psych survey
Could someone please remove me from this listserv? I no longer work at Fishtown.
Alyssa M. Davidson
Junior Copyeditor // Horizon Publishing [X]
Liz: did you try facebooking him?
Me: yeah no dice
Me: too many pauls
Liz: where does he work?
Me: he didn’t say the name
Me: or maybe he did but I forget
Me: a bank?
[+] PT LAB SURVEY (THANKS GUYZ!!)
Please indicate how opposed you are to the following hypotheticals on a scale from 0-10, with 0 representing a neutral response and 10 representing total opposition.
- Would you purchase a chair that had been previously owned by a serial killer? 
- Would you purchase a chair that had been reconstructed from the pieces of a chair that had been owned by a serial killer? 
- Would you sit in a chair that had been previously owned by a serial killer? 
- Would you sit in a chair that had been reconstructed from the pieces of a chair that had been owned by a serial killer? 
- Would you purchase a chair that had been owned by a victim of a serial killer? 
- Would you sit in a chair that had been sat in by a victim of a serial killer? 
- Would you sit in a chair that had been owned by the neighbors of a serial killer? 
Liz: what bank?
Me: his bag had a logo
Me: faraday? is that a thing?
Liz: maybe…lord knows I’m the wrong person to ask lolol
[+] SEARCH: faraday philadelphia [>]
The Philadelphia Museum of Science recently completed the renovation of its Faraday cage. This shocking exhibit enables participants to experience the — [X]
“faraday bank” caraday bank philadelphia
Did you mean Caraway Mutual? [>]
caraway bank “caraway mutual” philadelphia paul [>]
Name: Paul Haraden
Position: Junior Analyst, Caraway Mutual
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Me: found him 🙂
Liz: pic. now.
Me: here’s his profile: ********.com/pharaden
Liz: I spy an email address
Me: that’s so awkward
Me: “hey, so I was casually stalking u online and came across ur email, so I thought I’d hit u up”?
Me: hahaha not happening
[+] HEALTH & FITNESS: Daily Tips
Five Scientifically Proven Ways To Blast Belly Fat [>]
For those who want sculpted, six-pack abs, remember: complacency is your enemy! Achieving the washboard look depends on more than just exercise. Before you kill yourself doing a million crunches, start by changing your diet. Purge your cabinets of processed foods! Cut carbs! Ditch dairy! —
Professional Fromagier Ned Parker Ranks Supermarket Goudas [X]
Liz: found his youtube
Liz: he sings
Liz: very well I might add 😉
Liz: ok maybe not that well
Me: what’s his voice like?
Liz: a little nasally
Me: that’s a bummer
[+] New chat from Ava! [>]
Ava: Hey Oliver, this is Ava from the bookstore
Me: Hey Ava! How’s it going?
Ava: I saw your email on the listserv about needing coverage, and I’d be happy to take your shift
Me: Really?? That’s awesome! Thank you sooo much
Ava: No problem! I’ve been trying to pick up some extra hours anyway
Ava: The shift is 10-6, right?
Ava: Sounds like a plan. I’ll let Josh know.
Me: Thank you so much Ava! This is a huge help
Ava: Anytime 🙂 [X]
Me: just got my shift covered for tomorrow
Me: by Ava of all people
Liz: a.k.a Cucumber Cream?
Me: ew, yes, but she has since ditched it for a more palatable scent
Me: that I in my head have been calling Lavendar Embarrassment
Me: because I’m terrible
Liz: lol ok but back to this paul character
Liz: why don’t you just friend or follow him
Liz: that’s slightly less weird maybe
Liz: don’t tell me it’s too soon
Me: ok I won’t
Liz: oliver james monroe, get your ass out on a limb
Liz: I refuse to listen to any more of your bitching until you do something
Liz: literally anything
Me: it’s different though
Liz: is it?
[+] Compose? [>]
to: Paul Haraden (pharaden@******.com)
This is Oliver Monroe from the
Sorry this is totally random, but this is Oliver
It’s Oliver. I had a great nice awesome fun time really enjoyed having lunch with you the other day, and I meant to give you forgot to give you my number the other day. I don’t mean to be overly
I’m not sure if you are into guys
Save to drafts? [X]
Liz: STOP DISAPPEARING
Liz: I will end you
[+] Drafts: (17)
re: the prodigal [>]
Hey Isla Bonita,
Sorry for the radio silence—I’m not pissed angry I haven’t been ignoring just busy and tired and have been trying to minimize my screen time lately, you know? I keep getting stuck with these long-ass shifts, but who am I to complain? All I do is stack books while my friends are off doing real shit. Anyway, the chicken was great. I tried it with thighs, not breasts. In terms of the money, you’ve already been so generous that
Moneywise, I’ll be doing so much better if I can just find a job with more
You’re the best sister ever, and I’d love the help, but I’d just hate to be a burden when
Save to drafts? [>]
Liz: come baaaack
Liz: too pushy?
Me: not at all
Liz: sorry dude
Liz: you know I’m just trying to be your cheerleader
[+] WATCH: Highlights from the Hors D’Oeuvres Reunion Episode: In Case You Couldn’t Already Tell, Chef Zach and Chef Dan Do Not Appreciate Cheating [TRANSCRIPT] [>]
Zach: Why do you have to say it like that, like all I do is cheat, cheat, cheat.
Dan: Because that’s what you do, Paul. You’re legit the Mozart of cheating.
Zach: Oh, that’s—wow, how old are you? And who are you to call me a cheater? You’ve cheated. I know you’ve cheated.
Me: you know when you hear a word so many times it just becomes mouth sounds?
Liz: yaaay I thought you were pissed
Liz: and yeah I had that the other day with fluid
Liz: fluid fluid fluid fluid
Dan: Are you serious? I don’t even put myself in situations where I could cheat. Cheating is disgusting. Cheating is how you get diseases. You’re not careful when you cheat and then—
Zach: What about Miami, Dan? What about fucking Miami?
Dan: It was a kiss, Zach. Jesus Christ. Erik bought me a drink. I kissed him. A kiss isn’t cheating. And you can tell Alexis to shut her damn mouth.
Liz: what word?
Me: cheat drink
Zach: Well, maybe I would have liked to have a conversation about what is and is not cheating before you went off and did what I might consider cheating, or what might look like cheating to other people, who then come back and tell me they saw you—
Dan: You always do this. You always fucking do this. You deflect from the real issue, which is the fact that you are the one who cheated—
— COMMENTS —
pmacten: these libtards got no life why you all bother watching this shit when soldiers are dying for our country
ilyarcane: amen dude *salute*
beanstock19: no one put a gun to your head to make u watch so why r u here
yomama69: While I don’t support pmacten’s choice of words, I do agree that this show is a waste of everyone’s time and money, both of which would be better spent improving the lives of —
Add a comment? [>]
omonra1215: this show is clearly scripted, you dipshits—don’t blame the actors guys them, their they’re just there to make some fucking money
Me: you still there?
[+] Spam: (97)
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Me: hey, u still up?
Me: can I come over?
Me: be there in 10
Richard Thomson is a 26-year-old writer from the North Shore of Massachusetts. His fiction has appeared on various screens, namely his own and those of his most accommodating friends.